“Billions of bilious blistering barnacles, - my bill has ballooned three times.”
“Sorry to hear that, Sir.” Smarty Pants gets ready to tap on the mute button. “May I have your name and address, please?”
“Captain Haddock. 1234 Smart Lane. Smart City.”
“I see that your bill for this month is $450, and your average for the last 12 months was $150.”
“Tell me why, Vampire!” Captain roared.
“Hmm, your usage looks a little higher.”
“So, you numb-skulled fuzzy-wuzzy, why is my usage so ramshackle high if my usage is just a tiny-miny higher?”
“Can I place you on hold?”
“No. I am sick of that bleeping music. I was holding for last 20 minutes.”
“No problem, Sir. Just to comfort you, - lots of people have the same complain. So, don’t feel that you are alone, OK?”
“OK. Thank you.”
“Sir, I found the problem. We replaced your electromechanical meter with a smart meter.”
“Darn good. Why do I pay more?”
“Two reasons. First – your previous meter was very old, and so was recording readings lower the actual. Now you have an electronic meter which actually works.”
“I thought I am the only one losing my pace. Balkan Beetle! You have been subsidizing my whisky for all these years?”
“You should feel good about that. Second, I notice that you are in real time pricing. And you seem to be swimming in your heated pool between 8 and 9 AM every morning”.
“Gibbering ghost, how do you know that?”
“Ho ho. I can tell a lot about your personal habits looking at your data.” Smarty Pants continued boastfully, "We got our home area network, Sir. Let me see. You had a 10 days vacation last month after which you hosted a series of bacchanalia at your place...you gotta pay for all that, Mr Haddock.”
“Yes I went to Tibet. Holy moly, I have been violated. I don’t understand this... what pricing?”
“Dynamic pricing, Sir. You apparently opted for the most risky category – Real Time.”
“Yes, yes. I am the captain, I love risks... but explain this thing to me, baboon!”
“Ummm...I don’t know anything beyond this screen, Sir. But if you hold, I can transfer this call to my supervisor. She has just completed the train-the-trainer course. But I can tell you that your bill will be significantly reduced if you take your laps after midnight.”
“You fuzz-headed profiteer, you are not getting away with that. I will have my razor-toothed piranhas cut your wires.” Captain hung up.
